The fuel to my flashbacks

It’s taken me a long time to sit down and write about this. I think I’m making myself do this because it is getting close to his 1st birthday.

After we landed in Houston at a hospital, the name of which I will keep out of this, we got into a ambulance and rode over to the entrance of the hospital.

*Side bar, almost a year later and I’m writing this and my hands are shaking and my heart is racing, some things you just can’t get past.*

They took him away from me while they brought him to the room and got him situated. I was waiting on Tj too cause he had to drive in. I needed him with me so bad. That was our baby that was fighting for his life, no one was feeling what I was feeling but him. I was so worried about how he was able to drive and function in Houston with all this going on. I didn’t breathe until I saw Tj again, but that breath felt so incomplete because if I relaxed, what would that say about me as a Momma. I never allowed myself to feel okay. Even for a moment.

The doctor came out into the waiting room to talk to me about everything that had happened and his history. (We delt with 3 intinsivist during this stay) I told her everything and I also did make it known then and there I was an ICU nurse and that basically you can not give me the run around.

When we finally got to see him again I felt like I was walking into a dream. Our little boy was hooked to the ventilator and all the bells and whistles that go with it, the monitors and iv’s. When you have a family member come in and see their loved one hooked up to machines like that for the first time it’s the nurses job to help them through it. Not only did this nurse not do this, she didn’t even tell me her name. I actually had to ask her what medication she was giving my child. My first impression of this hospital was awful and I told Tj straight up if it didn’t get better we were leaving and going to TCH.

That night Wyatt started to do worse. While on the ventilator, there is a certain volume that it has set for your lung to fill up with and Wyatt started to not get his. So they had to take out the current tube and place another one that had what is called a cuff that could help him get his correct volume. They also placed a central line that they could draw blood from.

Unfortunately, Wyatt had his first episode that night. Somehow, he was going apneic on the ventilator. We were sitting in his room in the middle of the night and his oxygen SATs dropped out of nowhere and his heart rate dropped drastically. Babies heart rates his age don’t need to be under 100. It was 50 and dropping. The nurses ran in and disconnected him from the ventilator and bagged him. That’s basically forcing air into his lungs through the tube with a bag for emergencies.

That night I lost track of how many times he was bagged and how many times they did CPR. Through the next two weeks Wyatt would randomly drop his oxygen SATs and his heart rate. Sometimes, he had good nights because the night nurses were fantastic. Take one if his night nurses Melanie, she was fantastic. She was in his room constantly making sure his airway was clear and patent and he rarely had to be bagged when she worked.

Unfortunately, most of his day shift was awful and is the fuel to my nightmares. MULTIPLE times Tj had to run out in the hallway and yell for help because Wyatt’s oxygen levels were in the 50’s. By the time they would make it in the room it would be in the 30’s and by the time they would get it to stop dropping we saw numbers as low as 11 and 13 with a heart rate in the 30’s. I had to take things into my own hands for the sake of my son and I bagged him, I worked on the vent, and I did CPR.

This is something NO parent should ever have to do on their child. As I’m typing this I can physically feel my son’s heart beat start under my fingers. I will always remember the very real conversations that I had where I was not sure if he was going to make it. I just could not shut down my nurse brain. Every time he would have to be bagged/resuscitated I would think is this it? Is this the moment I lose my baby ? There were days I didn’t sleep, eat or drink until someone reminded me that I had to keep up with normal human functions because at that point, I wasn’t a human. I was a Momma scared that every second was his last.

Tj was not handling this well at all. Honestly, he wasn’t even handling it .he spent alot of time on his phone playing games, but I knew that was how he was coping. At one point when it didn’t look like he was going to to pull through he asked me if it was as bad as he thought. I didn’t want to make him verbalize what he was thinking, so I said yes, It is we might loose him. Just saying those words made my brain go into a fog and bring nurse me out, so the Momma part didn’t have to deal.

This hospital has some major issues with staff and I was very adamant multiple times about getting him transfered to Texas Children’s, but insurance kept denying it. We spent 31 days there, 17 days of him intubated, and never once did they investigate WHY any of this was going on.

They checked the flu and RSV panels 3 times and each time was negative. But CONSISTENTLY called him and RSV baby. I had to pull a holy terror of a momma bear fit for them to even get a pulmonologist in his room. During this time we were thinking okay, maybe he has tracheomalacia (a malformation of the trachea) or maybe it’s cardiac. I had to BEG them to do an echo and they would never even discuss the results with me.

During this time the doctors did start to use the term “if” he makes it through this. My point of bringing this up is that I knew that once he was extubated, our battle was not over. My baby had something wrong, and noone could tell me what it was.

Through all of this I prayed every second of every day. I asked God so many times to not take my baby away from me I knew there was no physical way I could make it through that, I was barely making it then. But I was so so angry with God! How dare he do this to an innocent baby?!? What could my child have done to deserve that! I yelled and screamed and cried so much in the shower I lost my mind. I would sit on the floor of the shower with my eyes closed and beg that when I opened them this would all be a dream. But when I opened I would still be living in my nightmare.

 

Lifeflight #3

On Thanksgiving day 2017, which happened to be the day that Wyatt turned 3 months. This happened. And my world turned upside down. 

The night before Thanksgiving, when I put Wyatt to sleep I remember telling Tj that he sounds a little refluxy and that he might not sleep well. That was not a very normal thing for him. He had just typical baby reflux basically. He woke up at 3 to eat and had some dried boogers in his nose but no congestion. He didn’t eat very much, which was normal for him at night, and he went back to sleep. I’m not sure if it was mothers intuition is what but I decided to stay up with him sleeping on my chest in the living room.

Slowly his breathing pattern started to get weird. Then he just stopped. I pulled him back and he was gray and not moving. I stimulated him on his chest and he started to breathe slightly, but barely .Then I did it a little deeper, a small amount of CPR and he came back to me. I don’t think I was breathing through the whole process. I was scarily calm through it all. I don’t know if I just knew something was wrong and needed to be fixed and my training kicked in or if it wasn’t even me the whole time, it was Good withing through me.

I handed him to his Daddy and placed his owlet monitor on him while I got things ready to take him to the ER. We love so far out that I didn’t trust EMS to get to us in time. While getting his stuff ready the monitor went off and I grabbed him from his Daddy and that alone stimulated him. We hightailed it to the ER.

I was really wanting to go to a Texas Children’s ER, but there just wasn’t one close enough. Along the way he kept going apenic with very bad color changes. I mean multiple times. It was the longest 15 mins of my life, but he kept coming back to me with stimulation.

We got to the pedi ER of the hospital he was born in and I ran inside and handed them a lifeless baby that was barely breathing. I knew what was going to happen, I see it all the time. But when the ER doctor told me that he was  going to be intubating him and I looked at my baby and husband I just broke. We only had our baby home for 2 weeks and they were taking him again. One of his NICU nurses and doctor came running to help with they said it was Wyatt.

Everything happened to fast. They took him from me and Tj and told us they were going to intubate and lifeflight him to another facility. I can remember sitting outside the room watching his SATs drop and they tried multiple times to intubate him and all I could see was his feet. They didn’t want me to watch. I was just sitting on the bench shaking next to Tj.

Once they were done, we had to go in and face seeing him like that for the second time in our lives. He looked so small lying there. He was around 8 lbs that day, and was 3 months exactly. He was so pale and medically paralyzed.

Lifeflight got there and carted him up and got him ready to go .This time, I got to go with him. Interestingly enough, it was the first time I had ever flown.

Im looking back on this day like it was a start to a whole new life. A whole new level of care, torture and pain that we had to watch out child endure. I just thought that NICU life was hard.

My next few posts will not be easy to read . I’m just warning y’all.

 

 

 

 

NICU graduation

The rest of our time in the NICU we were just doing the painstakingly slow process of learning to eat and gain weight doing it. He is a stubborn social little boy and was taking his time.

But on November 6th, 2017 we got the official word that he would be going home! I called my Husband of course and let him know what time to pick us up. Then I called my sister in law. She told me to take a picture of myself. I love this picture. It is the face of absolute pure joy.

We got to take photos with some of his amazing caregivers in the NICU and got to say goodbye to so many wonderful people. Our baby was going home. I cried so much. An insane amount. We spent 75 days having to walk away from him. Some of those days we were not sure if he would make it and it was finally over. He was big and strong enough to go home at 7lbs even 😍

It was so surreal to be home with him. We enjoyed just sitting on the couch and watching TV with him. It was amazing. I reveled in the lack of sleep, getting peed on and the lack of showers. We were so scared of every little thing. NICU life is o my half of the equation. Coming home is the other half. You have to learn to have a baby that you have already got 3 months. I know that sounds strange, but we had to learn a while new life for him. We had to learn our baby. I swear I didn’t sleep for a week.

I’m writing this on February 8, 2018 it has taken me this long to be able to get back to this point. I’m thinking back on those two weeks we had him at home and I keep thinking is there anything I could have done different. Did I miss any signs or should I have not let how grandparents meet him. I’m still to this day not to sure.

 

God and His plans

You know I have talked about how upset with God I was. And well I am sad to say this lasted for a while. There is something that happened to Wyatt that should have NEVER happened due to lazy people who just put me over the edge. I sat down and had a long talk with God. I was asking him why he would do this to us, I try to be a good person and do the right things. I was so discouraged and beat down. Then, my grandma died. And I finally lost it. I could not keep the box closed anymore.

My grandmother suffered from dementia and by the time she passed away she was unaware of who anyone was. She was such a beautiful lady. She loved life and praised God every step of the way and I know for a fact that she is in heaven with my grandpa and they are looking down on my baby boy keeping him safe. But man, this was so very hard. Every time I felt like I could take a breath, I got knocked back down again. I was lost and it was very hard to keep my faith. I wanted my grandmother to meet my son so very bad. It would have been a wonderful moment in my life to be able to see one of the women who shaped who I am today see the next life that she would influence through me. We never got that chance though. I sat by my grandmother’s bed as she laid dying, holding her hand and signing to her trying to give her peace and let her know that it was okay to let go. And she did not 24 hrs later. She is now free of the chains that bound her here on earth and she can think again.

That next day I was driving to the hospital ( a drive I am pretty sure I can make in my sleep) and I was talking to God. Begging him to give me the strength to go on. I remember the words exactly that I said. I told him that I needed the strenght to walk away from my son again. Then he gave me a sign that opened up my heart and told me that all of this was in his plans, and to trust him. This song came on:

Casting Crowns: I Praise you in this Storm

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can’t find you
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

God has his reasons for these trials in our lives, and as soon as I let him take the pain and worry away from me, I was lifted. I was lifted away from the burdens. I was lifted up and shown that I am his Momma and that he knows me. I was lifted up and able to comfort my husband in our times of need. I was lifted out of the water that was covering me and I could breathe.

Then Wyatt started to turn the corner and show us that he was getting ready to come home <3.

NICU life

Thankfully 4 days later he was extubated and put on high flow nasal cannula and was doing well. The worst part about the extubation was his cry after. That poor baby was so hoarse it was heartbreaking. His Daddy and I literally cried after hearing him attempt to cry. But it was like okay, now we can take a bit of a breath if we dared.

I can say this, I would not have been able to do all of this without my husband. He has been my absolute rock. He makes me cry. I know that sounds terrible but remember how I have been talking about my box that I keep putting all my emotions in? He knows me to well, he sees it and he makes me let it out at times and then knows what to do to put me back together, because he is going through it all with me. He knows what all the alarms mean and how it felt every time Wyatt would go brady and have to be stimulated to breath. He knows how it feels to walk away from your child every single day. He knows how it feels to put him in the hands of people that we may not know to well. He is the only one who knows what it is like to leave your heart in a plastic box and hope someone cares for it like you would.

I went back to work the next week so I could have FMLA time left. I only have a month left and I have cried so much over that. It’s not fair. There really should be a different option for time away from work for preemie mothers and fathers. Speaking of that, y’all would not believe the things that Tj and I have heard. Seriously, here is a few:

At least you didn’t have to get big and fat at the end of your pregnancy

You are a bad father because you are not at the hospital all the time 

How can you only take a month off after your son comes home, I thought you would like to be home with him

At least you didn’t have to get miserable with his feet in your ribs

NEWS FLASH! I would have taken all of those things and much more so I did not have to watch my son fight for his life EVERY SINGLE DAY! 

Life now consists of Tj and I going to the hospital every chance we get. Trust me, there are days that we are both off that we just want to stay at home and just relax. But then we think of our little boy up there not being held and not knowing how important he is to us, and it makes us get up and go. I work nights so I get up and 2 or 3 and go spend time with him until 630 pm and then walk over to my unit and work and then do it over again the next day. Since I am an ICU nurse, I do not dare going to see him in my nasty scrubs. absolutely not.

At 34 weeks they began feeding him by mouth. I was such a proud Momma that day! He took 21 mls of his very first bottle. Yes, they had to go up a lot on his oxygen, but I did not care. My big boy was starting to show signs of improving and growing.

.

At this point I was still pumping and desperately trying to make my milk come in. It was so discouraging. I would go all day and maybe get 2.5 to 3 oz. But I kept trying because everyone told me that it would come in if I kept trying. I tried everything. I do mean everything. Lactation smoothies, cookies, teas, powder, power pumping, pumping every 2-3 hrs, sleeping (as much as I could), hand expression and many more. But I had so many things working against me. He could not latch on because of his age and I was on so many medications that are supposed to dry me up to my allergies, and well turns out it can dry up breast milk too. But I kept on trying. I tried for 8 weeks and gave him every drop that I could. See, there wasn’t that much I could do for him. All of his care was taking away from me, besides what I could do when I was at the NICU. I was not the one keeping my child alive. This one thing, one thing, was something that I could do for him to help him. Breast milk for preemies is so important because it helps decrease the risk of many diseases and issues that arise in a preemies life. But I couldn’t do it for him. Every time I would go pump I felt like I was failing and that I was letting him down. I started to dread the pump. I would have to put him down just to get nothing and it was tearing me down.

It wasn’t until one of his nurses helped make the difference. Cybil if you ever read this, I do not know how to describe the difference you have made in mine and my husband’s life. You were the first person to lay hands on my son besides the doctor. You were the person that helped my son be able to live. You were the person that held Tj up when he was falling apart the day that Wyatt was born. And you were the person that let me know that it was okay to stop breast pumping. When you placed those bottles on top of his incubator and let me see that it took 6 bottles to make one feed for him, you help me let go. You held me when I cried and felt like a failure. I know you understood and I know that you felt my pain. What you did for me that day can never be replaced. You made me feel like a Mom when it felt like it was slipping away. Our baby Hulk ( as you named him the first day) will always know you, and hear how you helped both his mom and dad. You are truly what a nurse should be.

Sepsis … meh

This is going to be my hardest entry. I hope that no one reading this will ever have to go through what I have to write about, if I don’t get this out. It is going to eat me alive.

We got back to Kingwood and things quickly fell into a pattern. Wake up, pump (hope to get a large amount and be let down), go to the hospital and spend all day up there, come home try to get a few things down around the house and feel guilty for not being at the hospital. So finally on September 17th I decided to do something for myself and spend some time with my wonderful niece and nephew and have my hair cut by Courtney and I did not get up to the hospital until 2:00 pm. I will never forget this day for as long as I live.

I walked into the wash up room and I was stopped by a nurse at the window. They were coding Wyatt. He was in the process of being intubated. He for some reason stopped breathing and they had to call a respiratory code and rapidly intubate him. I was escorted out to the waiting room, where I sat by myself, dumbfounded. I have never wanted to not be a nurse so much in my life. I have seen so much. I have coded so many people and I have seen the outcomes. Tj was at work and I had to call him and tell him that our baby boy was sick. Very sick. He left work like right then. I called Courtney and she could not get up to the hospital but Thankfully Ashley, Courtney’s sister in law, works at the hospital and was able to come down with me.

As I sat in the waiting room I had to deal with the very harsh reality that I may loose my son. He could very well die, because they believed he was septic. Sepsis is a systemic reaction the body has to an infection and most of the time there is bacteria in the blood. They thought it was from his PICC line being pulled and there could have been bacteria on it that went into his blood stream. They did a full sepsis work up and started him on broad spectrum antibiotics.

So I went to see him. My poor tiny baby was gray. He had the tiniest ET tube sticking out of his mouth I had ever seen, a 3.0. God, this is so so hard to write, give me strength.

 

He was limp and lifeless and not responding well. His belly was so white it was ridiculous. I just wanted to pick my baby up and make it go away. I needed to make it better. But yet again there was nothing I could do. I could barely touch him let alone make it better. The worst day of my life. Every second I was looking at him I was wondering if it would be the last. I was an ABSOLUTE mess. Tamara was his nurse that day and she just held me as I cried. Lynn the NP was amazing and very supportive.

When TJ got there we held each other for a long time and cried. I am so thankful to have married my Husband because I could not have done this without him. We then sat down in the consult room and had the chore of informing family of what happened. Having to repeat over and over what happened. I know that we have such a wonderful support group, but ughhh I was so tired of talking to people! I just wanted everyone to shut up and leave me alone! I feel awful for even thinking about this now, but its true. I hated telling people over and over again that my sweet little boy was on life support.

Worst of all, I got mad at God. I mean there is only so much that someone can take and I really felt like I was at my limit. I should have been turning to him in prayer, but I am ashamed to say that I didn’t. I really don’t even remember if I prayed that day. I don’t know. So much of it I have blocked out. I cried so much that day that I did not have any tears left. I know that I was saying things like God is with us and he will take care of him, but I did not feel any of it. I was so numb and so mad at him. Why why did my little baby have to fight any harder than what he has already. If only my body had not failed me he would still be inside and would have never gone through this.

 

 

St Davids Medical Center

After he was placed in the helicopter my main priority was getting discharged. I text my doctor and told him that I needed to leave ASAP, and it was not an option. Thankfully him and I get along real well and he agreed to remove my wound vac and discharge me. I then realized that I had not told anyone in my family about him being evacuated. I could not emotionally get the words out. I could not let myself feel the pain and hurt of him being taken away from me, yet again. Thankfully when I told TJ that I was going to have to find a ride to Austin, cause I was only 1 week post op, he had already called Courtney and told her about it briefly. Courtney is my amazing sister in love, as we call each other, is my rock. I seriously could not have done all of this without her. She has fed, clothed and kept me together emotionally so many times I have lost count. I can not imagine my life without her and the support that she has given to me and TJ. Coco you are truly my best friend.

Anyways, my mom and Courtney showed up to the hospital and thankfully did not ask to many questions because I did not want to talk to them. I was a nervous wreck and a ball of anxiety. I seriously could not even take a full breath because my little two pound baby was in a helicopter and I could not even check on him. As I am sitting here writing this 2 months later I am physically sick to my stomach thinking about it. Then I also had to tell my husband goodbye UHHHgain. I mean really I had just gotten back with him after about a week apart and he sees Wyatt and I for all of 30 mins and then I get into a car and drive away without knowing when I would see him again. It was so extremely hard for him to walk away and even harder for me to watch him do it with tears streaming down his face. There are so many things that I just do not ever want to remember, but they always come back to slap me in the face.

After a long car ride and me not talking to anyone really, we finally made it from Kingwood to Austin. I high tail it to the NICU and walk in to see my son hooked up to this machine that covered his whole face. I basically was like excuse me, WTF? Apparently, that was the type of CPAP that they used at St. Davids. He also had his PICC line place that bled ALOT and they had to hold so much pressure that his little foot bruised pretty bad. I basically instantly hated the place.

However, the next day I got to talk to the NICU director and the other staff members there and things did get better. My mom stayed with me the whole week and half I was there and was a big help financially and I was always be thankful for that. The staff there treated us so amazingly. We stayed in a room that was meant for parents to room in a have a trial night with their babies before they went home. Also the Ronald McDonald house provided rooms and food and a place to wash our clothes. The hospital even provided meal tickets for the cafeteria. It was seriously amazing. I could not have asked for better people to help us. Rhonda, if you ever read this you are amazing and you have such a wonderful unit.

The week and half we spent there was a blur of pumping every 2 hrs, seeing Wyatt, holding him once a day, and sleeping as much as I could. I was so frustrated with my milk production because it just was not happening for me. I would get like 4 mls at time. Thankfully at that time he was only getting like 6 mls every 3 hrs so sometimes it would be my milk and others it was donor milk. Women who donate breast milk are absolute God sends. Tj thankfully was able to come see Wyatt the weekend that we were there and it was such a good visit.

At one point some of the NICU staff members came up to me and asked if I would be willing to be interviewed by the local news stations about what we had been through. I was like, um sure. I did not mind as long as Wyatt was not put on camera. I had not placed pictures up on even Facebook of him yet. It just did not feel right. I did not realize until later that I was just not ready to share him with the world, I mean he was still supposed to be inside me and I wanted to keep him to myself. So NBC, CNN, FOX and the local Austin news stations showed up and interviewed me.

http://www.mystatesman.com/news/local/hurricane-harvey-mom-recalls-putting-baby-helicopter-austin/yfwCv73y86eycAykjBOUlL/

On September 8th we were finally able to come home and my Dad came and picked my Mom and I up and we drove back to Kingwood. This time I was not as nervous because I knew where he was headed and I was not going in blind and I met TJ there.

The Evacuation

On Wednesday August 30, 2017 I get notice from my husband that he finally was going to be able to come up to the hospital. I seriously just starting bawling. I missed him so much that it hurt. I needed to touch him and have the comfort of him just being in the same room as me. Wyatt was starting to do worse with more and more what the call A’s and B’s with his breathing and heart rate as mentioned on the previous post. I just knew that I would be able to make it through the next few days with Tj at my side.

However, 10 mins before he showed up I was told that Wyatt and another baby would be lifelighted to Austin because of the conditions at the hospital. The power, the water and not having any blood for him just did not make for a safe environment anymore. My breath just left my body. Completely. I wanted to scream. I mean your telling me that I have to take my 2 lb baby and place him with MORE strangers in a helicopter to fly 2 hrs to be taken in by people I have NEVER seen to a place I have no idea where it is at? No freaking way.

But really what could I say? Again another choice in his life that was not up to me. It was not up to me when I could touch him, not up to me what was going into his body, not up to me who got to take care of him and not it’s not up to me where he is going to be. I honestly did not feel like his mother. He did not know who I was. I had only touched him through a plastic box. I had blocked myself off from him so much and would only allow the feelings of motherhood to seep in at vulnerable times. How could I let myself feel like a mother when I had failed in carrying him and I was not able to take care of him in the first place?

When Tj walked into the room I did not want to tell him. How could I tell him that after 5 days without his wife and child that he would have to say goodbye to us all over again ? But unfortunately when he walked in he saw it all over my face anyways. I don’t even think I can even put into words how that felt. It’s not like we were going anywhere close, we were going to Austin. 3 hr car drive away and he had work and school that could not be missed. If he did, well we just would not be able to eat. This is so hard to write, I have not thought about this in a while and it does not get any easier.

After telling Tj and having a good long cry with him, we had to go downstairs and say goodbye to our son. He still had the IV in his belly button and so we had not been able to hold him yet. But when I got down there Tamara was like absolutely not. She is going to hold her baby before she sends him off in a helicopter. So for a brief and magical time I got to hold my precious 2 lb baby. Tj was able to hand him to me and I placed him on my chest kangaroo style and tucked him into my tank top. He was so small that TJs wedding band all the way up to his shoulder. In the grand tradition of crying lately I cried and cried but these were happy tears. I was holding this tiny little miracle in my arms. Really holding him for the first time. Tj was sitting next to me and we were getting to see, touch and feel him. It was amazing.

The flight nurse from St. David’s Medical center assessed him on my chest to allow me to have more time with him. Then we placed him in a incubator with another baby and put him on the helicopter. Honestly I dont know what else I can say about that. I still can not open up that part of me and allow myself to feel it. I don’t think I will ever be ready for that. After getting settled in the helicopter, off to Austin he went. With us stuck in Kingwood and me still a patient. At that point I was not sure what or how it was going to happen. But come hell of high water ( no pun intended) I was going to Austin with my baby.

The picture his flight nurse sent me from the air.

Hurricane freaking Harvey

This pattern started up for me. Get wheeled down to see him during care time hours, (because my heart was still very weak and I was still having tachycardia and palpitations when I did anything), go back to the room to pump, sleep and start the whole thing over again multiple times a day and night. Tj was able to stay with me and bring me down whenever I wanted and his dad and my parents were visiting us as well.

We had been kinda following the news about the hurricane but obviously Tj and I had other things on our plate than get ready for a hurricane. Harvey hit us on August 25th and then continued to hit for the next five days. The Friday after Wyatt was born the nurses came into my room and told me that TJ would have to leave because the hospital was going on lockdown and only allowing essential personnel and patients, no visitors. Neither Tj and I were happy about this but what could we do? Tj went home and then a few hours later we were told that enough women had complained and that they were going to allow Fathers to come back up. So the plans were to have TJ come back up in the morning.

That following morning TJ went outside and stepped in water. The water from the storm had risen so fast over night that it was an inch from coming into the house and Tj had to be evacuated. I meanwhile was stuck at this hospital by myself and all these post partum emotions. I literally would wheel down to see Wyatt, come back use the breast pump and get nothing and just sit down in the room and cry. There was no TV due to the power outages, no hot water, no AC and no telephone service. It was boring and miserable. Sometimes my ICU coworkers would come and visit me. But mostly I was alone and that definitely doesn’t help depression. I would just sit there and think of how bad I wanted to hold my baby. How bad I wanted him to know that I was his Momma. The fog of guilt of my body not being able to keep him in just wrapped around me making it hard to breathe and even function. I wanted the touch of my Husband so bad. I was also so very worried for all my family and the surrounding area because the water just kept rising with no end in sight. 

In the top left hand side of the photo you can see the hospital I was at showing just how bad things were and how Kingwood Medical Center became an island.

The poor nurses at the hospital were stuck like chuck. They were unable to leave and let team B come relieve and team B would not have been able to get to the hospital if they wanted to. The whole thing was a giant mess. The hospital had leaks everywhere and they were trying to compensate them so nothing would be majorly damaged. The power kept going on and off and as a NICU mom is was scary as all get out. What if the constant power failure made his CPAP machine go off? He was getting very dependent on the CPAP and they had to add a rate to the settings and it was basically a ventilator without the intubation. Wyatt was having pretty frequent times when he would go apenic (stop breathing) and go brady (drop his heart rate) and they would have to stimulate him so he would breathe and bring his heart rate back up. We also found out that he needed blood, but the hospital did not have any that he could use, and that is when they decided to lifelight him to Austin when he was a week old.

When I finally met him

24 hrs later I still had not met my child. At this point I did not like people. I did not want them talking to me, I did not even want to see faces. But in grand tradition of me pushing my emotions to the side, I put on a face and was nice to everyone while inside I was a total bitch. I finally was discharged from ICU and move to a post partum room. I was in a lot of pain yes, but I did not care. I didn’t care that my heart was still palpating, I did not care that I was freshly cut open, I didn’t care that I was being rude to people. I needed to see my baby. I needed to make sure that he was okay.

Finally my husband was able to wheel me down to the NICU, central line sticking out of my neck and all. I was so nervous. Yes, I had seen pictures of him but my brain was like, what if I don’t think that is my baby? What if I don’t have a connection to him? What if he doesn’t like me or know that I am his mother? I mean he never saw me, I had not touched him ever when other people have. I was wheeled up next to him and I lost it. I mean I literally lost it. My tiny little baby looked so helpless, so tiny. That is when I realized that my body had failed me and I started to hate it. How dare you not be able to keep this little angel inside? Why did he have to be going through all this? He had so many lines and gear and it all dwarfed him so very much. The one thing that I can say that didn’t go through my head was that he wasn’t going to make it. I knew my little guy was a fighter and his Daddy and I would eventually take him home.

I stood next to his incubator with the help of TJ and looked down at my tiny little baby and I still could not touch him. Premature babies are at a very high risk of brain bleeds and they start them out on something called minimum stimulation to reduce the occurrences of bleeds. So he is only allowed to be touched every 4 hrs and he had a mask over his eyes and ear muffs on to help decrease the stimuli.

 

When I did get to touch him it was just for a few seconds really. Just enough to touch his skin and just feel him. It’s like feeling complete for like 2 seconds and then having to give your heart to the care of perfect strangers. That is all my first visit was able to consist of. Touching him through a small hole for a second or two and just sitting next to him holding Tj’s  hand and crying and feeling like it will never stop.

People started asking me then if I was okay and it was about around then that I wanted to look at them and ask if they were stupid. Would you be okay? Would anyone be okay in this situation? Geez, I really just wanted to scream and people. But no, I put back in the emotional Pandora’s box and dealt with it.

His nurse that day name was Tamara. When she told me that she had my baby it was like she was telling me that she had my heart and I was letting her borrow it. But Tamara got it. She understood because she shared with me that she was a NICU mom herself and had had a 27 weeker that was now 7 years old. She knew what to say. She knew how to react to me and what I needed. Words are not able to describe how she helped me. Tamara will always have a special place in my heart and I love her dearly.